woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
