im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
