we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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