Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You are a genius and a whore.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
