i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I need a beard to bite.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
