I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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