Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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