WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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