somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
