Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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