your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
