Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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