i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
