i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
