They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
