Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
