All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
