after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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