My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
