Your dad touched me again.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
