She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
