Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
