I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
