4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
