I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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