Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
