i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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