I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
