Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
