There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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