i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
