2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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