i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
