I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
