Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
