I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
