he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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