So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
