If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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