Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
