She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
