im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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