evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
