Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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