In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
