My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
