so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
