She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
