There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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