I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
